這一年，主題是掛念。
回家，最詭異的是，似乎沒有多少人記得我沒多久前回來過。老媽子不記得，嬤嬤不記得，爺爺不記得，連姐姐都說不記得。然後都問，對了，你4月回來幹嘛？我說，就為了回來啊。而兩次回來，感覺還是一樣：又愛又怕。我愛美食，但怕那該死的鼻敏感。我愛那便捷的交通，但怕看到自己熟悉的人的變得太快。我愛這裡很多娛樂，但怕原來太多娛樂誰都再沒興趣跟誰說話。
妳還要再想嗎？妳要不要回家？
那天，我吃過妳們親手煮的星洲炒米，聊兩句，天竟然就黑了，簡直晴天霹靂。天黑的那一刻，我決定了， 回家，始終是不二之選。
＊
這一年，主題是掛念。
大家都說我今年去了很多旅行，但我覺得不是啊，好多地方還沒有去，北歐幾個國家沒去，東歐沒去，瑞士沒去，數起來，我旅行過的國家數目還不如我那些從美國過來3個月的同學仔。但相對於集郵式的旅行，我更珍重旅行中的那誰。旅行，不再是為了旅行，反而變成探望相聚的副產品。去柏林，去伊斯坦堡，回倫敦，主要都是為了見朋友。居於法國卻沒有去過法國多少地方，但留在巴黎陪著來看我的朋友們，肯定更重要。所以，還是不留遺憾。然後我發覺，就算我本來跟一個人不熟，在異地重遇，總是一樣窩心。
＊
朋友已走。這可算是我第一次，感受很深，卻沒辦法送行。
親愛的，無論你有多遠我有多忙，我都想見你。
＊
我快樂有時
我叫悶有時
也算上天的恩賜
回頭是憤慨
看不到未來
於年月裡比賽
如果可以用腳走路，為甚麼要坐車？
如果可以事前找路，為甚麼要用GPS？
如果有正路可以走，為甚麼要走捷徑？
時光機永未及發明 哪裡覓證明
轉季讓半山結冰
這嘀嗒 又嘀嗒
時鐘似簷蓬滴雨聲
一切還原基本步。與其去追逐甚麼新科技新潮流新興行業新機會新機遇，以不變應萬變，風水輪流轉，總有一日輪番到我。憨居？Yes。但慘得過我過到自己。
仰首太空 再看清一片藍圖星宿
怎麼那北斗永亮透
只可半生奔馳 好比試管嬰兒
空間裡的真相不會知
永遠沒法預知哪日得你重視。
但我是一個防中。我仲頂得順。
掉那媽，頂硬上，同胞們，共勉之。
2011年12月28日 星期三
2011年12月23日 星期五
說起變
天與地，說起變。
“現在很明顯只有你在變。”Dr. Dylan 對佘詩曼說。
但這個世界，是否真的這麼clear cut，就只有某個人變而其他人沒有？其實我相信大家都在變，問題只是，變好了還是變壞了？
或許在你妳你妳你的眼中，我已變成一個宅／煩氣／sae guae／悶蛋的人也說不定。
我不知道，但我想知道。
＊
有想過。人生中很多關係都這樣，隨風就消失了。有人說，cest la vie，係o甘架啦，成熟點，看開點。
你當我不成熟也好，隨風而去，卻不是我case close的方式。
我盤算著，我怎麼面對你，你又會怎麼面對我。會難堪嘛？會尷尬嘛？會不捨嘛？
都會。
但，刻意不去面對，大概是最差最差的方案。就像鐵證懸案，讓它封塵，就變成永遠的遺憾。
“現在很明顯只有你在變。”Dr. Dylan 對佘詩曼說。
但這個世界，是否真的這麼clear cut，就只有某個人變而其他人沒有？其實我相信大家都在變，問題只是，變好了還是變壞了？
或許在你妳你妳你的眼中，我已變成一個宅／煩氣／sae guae／悶蛋的人也說不定。
我不知道，但我想知道。
＊
有想過。人生中很多關係都這樣，隨風就消失了。有人說，cest la vie，係o甘架啦，成熟點，看開點。
你當我不成熟也好，隨風而去，卻不是我case close的方式。
我盤算著，我怎麼面對你，你又會怎麼面對我。會難堪嘛？會尷尬嘛？會不捨嘛？
都會。
但，刻意不去面對，大概是最差最差的方案。就像鐵證懸案，讓它封塵，就變成永遠的遺憾。
2011年12月15日 星期四
Wonderful tonight
I never thought I would miss this damned city but yes, I think I would miss it after all. The tower, the museums, the steak tartare, the crepes, the cafes. And the lovely fellows.
It's been like a dream. These 15 months. Meeting awesome people. Learning about myself. Knowing how much I loved home. And knowing how much love I actually need.
I still remember the moment when I decided to do this. I was excited. I was hesitant. I was excited. I was hesitant. But I was excited.
And now it's the time for the excitement to die down. The dream is over. I want to go home. But at the same time I know there are issues I don't want to face back there. But I want to go home. But I don't want to.
December moody fits. Hurts like hell. I've had two glasses of red, I know what happens after that, and crying in the party is the last thing I want to do. So I skip the Xmas party and go home.
Still early. The Xmas lights in Versailles are still on. Thanks be to God. It's beautiful. From Versailles Chantiers I just go straight on, ignoring all red lights on the way. Caring about nothing except the beautiful boulevard surrounding me. I sing loudly along with the music I'm playing in my headphones.
"I was a stranger in a city
Out of town where the people I know
I had that feeling of self pity
What to do what to do what to do
The outlook was decidedly blue
But as I walked through the foggy streets alone
It turned out to be the luckiest day I've known..."
Just think, if at the crossroads there's a driver who couldn't realize I am there...
Wouldn't that be nice to just die today?
It's wonderful tonight. And all of a sudden, maybe, just maybe, I don't want to go home anymore.
It's been like a dream. These 15 months. Meeting awesome people. Learning about myself. Knowing how much I loved home. And knowing how much love I actually need.
I still remember the moment when I decided to do this. I was excited. I was hesitant. I was excited. I was hesitant. But I was excited.
And now it's the time for the excitement to die down. The dream is over. I want to go home. But at the same time I know there are issues I don't want to face back there. But I want to go home. But I don't want to.
December moody fits. Hurts like hell. I've had two glasses of red, I know what happens after that, and crying in the party is the last thing I want to do. So I skip the Xmas party and go home.
Still early. The Xmas lights in Versailles are still on. Thanks be to God. It's beautiful. From Versailles Chantiers I just go straight on, ignoring all red lights on the way. Caring about nothing except the beautiful boulevard surrounding me. I sing loudly along with the music I'm playing in my headphones.
"I was a stranger in a city
Out of town where the people I know
I had that feeling of self pity
What to do what to do what to do
The outlook was decidedly blue
But as I walked through the foggy streets alone
It turned out to be the luckiest day I've known..."
Just think, if at the crossroads there's a driver who couldn't realize I am there...
Wouldn't that be nice to just die today?
It's wonderful tonight. And all of a sudden, maybe, just maybe, I don't want to go home anymore.
2011年12月14日 星期三
How to become a Parisian
話說李克勤有首經典舊歌叫 One Night in Paris:
浪漫得你呀。
＊
大概所有在巴黎生活過的人都心知肚明，巴黎，只有沒有來過的人會覺得浪漫。
＊
或許，兩個人一起的話，在最不浪漫的地方都可以是浪漫的。
浪漫得你呀。
＊
大概所有在巴黎生活過的人都心知肚明，巴黎，只有沒有來過的人會覺得浪漫。
＊
或許，兩個人一起的話，在最不浪漫的地方都可以是浪漫的。
2011年12月13日 星期二
Awkward friends
最遠的距離，不是physical distance
而是，科技明明發達，而你連跟我溝通的心思都不再願意花。
難得建立過的信任，你需要我時，我一定會在。而且我不願意改變我對你的支持。
*
心酸酸的。
我想知道自己錯了甚麼，但最怕發現，不需要自己做錯甚麼，結果都會一樣，
因為你變了。
*
你還會掛念我嘛？
而是，科技明明發達，而你連跟我溝通的心思都不再願意花。
難得建立過的信任，你需要我時，我一定會在。而且我不願意改變我對你的支持。
*
心酸酸的。
我想知道自己錯了甚麼，但最怕發現，不需要自己做錯甚麼，結果都會一樣，
因為你變了。
*
你還會掛念我嘛？
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